After reading the final blogger reviews of “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman, it seems that regardless of individual circumstances, it was a difficult read for all. Some bloggers were estranged from their own parents, some bloggers’ spouses had cut ties with their parents, and other bloggers simply wanted to learn how they might avoid such painful separation from their own children in later years.

One blogger who is estranged from her father wrote that this book “was extremely difficult for me, emotionally. I chose to do this review purposely, knowing that it would probably be hard, but I had no idea how it was going to affect me.” Another blogger, whose father-in-law does not have any contact with his son - at the demand of his new spouse - harbors a great deal of anger toward her in-laws for perpetrating this estrangement: “I can’t imagine choosing to stay with a spouse who would force you to pick between your children (and innocent grandchildren) and them.” Finally, a third blogger read “When Parents Hurt” while keeping her own young children in mind: “Some day they will grow up, move out, and have their own lives. But the thought of something happening between us that would somehow cause them to turn their backs on me or vice versa is horrible.”

The first blogger had to work hard to keep an open mind while reading. “It was difficult for me to accept that in some cases, the parent might not be 100% at fault for the breakdown in the relationship, that sometimes, even parents who do everything right can have a child who wants nothing to do with them. In my opinion, it is much more often the case that relationships are broken because parents have wronged their children through abuse, neglect or indifference.” She went on to say that, “I had to acknowledge that people can change and wish to make amends. I had to question what I would do in the unlikely event that my dad would ever admit what happened in our past and want to try to rebuild our relationship and that was extremely uncomfortable for me.” Contrary to situations described in the book, “I don’t blame my father for how my life turned out, as Dr. Coleman suggests is often the case in strained parent/adult child relationships. On the contrary, I have an incredibly good life in spite of the parenting (or lack thereof) I received from my father.” All in all, she concludes that, “…it’s so important to forgive yourself and the other party. As difficult as that can be, as far as I’m concerned, sometimes that’s the best we can hope for.”

The second blogger, who has “foolishly tried to help mend the gap on several occasions, only to end up being on the receiving end of a load of bullshit, for lack of a more eloquent term,” hoped that reading “When Parents Hurt” would “help me to understand some of my father-in-law’s choices.” She found one section that seemed to speak directly to her circumstances:

“One of the chapters I found most helpful was Divorce Wounds. My parents are still together, so I sometimes have trouble understanding the complexities underlying the relationship between my husband and his parents…I immediately zeroed in on ‘I made my child a lower priority than my new partner.’ Reading this section did help, but it also made me realize that, at least according to the author, most of my father-in-law’s actions were not made in the interest of preserving his relationship with his children.”

Finally, the third blogger was relieved to read that “not everything is the parent’s fault.” She went on to say that, “Parental guilt is so ingrained that it’s easy to blame yourself for everything or let others blame you, but Dr. Coleman reminds us that sometimes the way kids act as teens and adults is not a direct result of things we said or did when they were younger.” However, that reassurance was tempered by the discussion of conflicting personalities: “Having different personalities is something that hits home for me. It frightens me to think that something I have no control over - personality - could cause problems between us.” She concluded hopefully: “If what I’ve read can help me keep my family from slipping into a lonely place of estrangement, it will be well worth it. If, despite my hopes and attempts, things don’t go that way, I know I can turn to this book for tips. Either way, it will stick around my bookshelf.”

“When Parents Hurt” is a thought-provoking read whether you are the parent of an adult child or an adult child yourself, and whether or not you maintain ties with your family. For more blogger reviews, please check out the excerpts from the mid-campaign post, and to buy your own copy, click here..