The Parent Bloggers Network

I anticipated that “When Parents Hurt” would provoke soul-searching among the bloggers who reviewed it - after all, it’s a rare person whose family experiences little or no conflict.  A few bloggers are (or were) estranged from their own parents, others have a sibling who is estranged from their parents, and they were all interested in learning how they might avoid the pain of one day becoming estranged from their own children:

• “In my own personal experience, I had always felt that I was this incredible oddball for not speaking to my father (now deceased). And after my father died, there was a period of time when I didn’t speak with my mother.”
• “My family has a pretty strained relationship with my oldest brother…There wasn’t a culminating, tragic event - but a series of small incidents that all added up into an odd kind of estrangement with him.”
• “My parents and my brother just do not get along. My mom is hurt by my brother’s lack of contact. Because she is hurt, she makes crucial mistakes and ends up egging him on.”
• “I wanted to read something that could give me some perspective when I just want to blow my top.”

“When Parents Hurt by Dr. Joshua Coleman is based on personal experience. After experiencing a painful estrangement from his own daughter, he felt compelled to write a book to help parents cope with these situations.”  While one blogger reminds us that ”it’s important to note that the book comes from the perspective of the parent as opposed to the child — the child being an adult or teenager or tiny toddler,” another blogger believes that “it’s not only a must-read for people in strained relationships with either their own parents or with their grown children, but also for people raising children who would like to avoid the pitfalls that come later on when the kids are grown.”  Indeed, a third blogger agrees that through this book, she “…found insight into how my relationship with my parents influences how I parent my children.”

Some bloggers even found specific examples in the book that parallel their own situations:

• “He discusses how siblings within a family can have a completely unique perspective of their parents and childhood.” 
• “My mom emails him, he deletes it without even reading it. She gets mad, sends him even more emails, which he continues to delete and they both end up frustrated and angry. If my mom can slow her emails down, as the book says, but not stop them completely, it will help.”
• “I’m always noticing how I’m alike and different from my daughter (now three) and I can see how our personality clashes will certainly come into play as she gets older. I work hard to make sure she’s permitted to be herself without me forcing her to be me.”

And one blogger found that not only was her mother receptive to reading the book, but she also shared it with her own mother - the blogger’s grandmother - with the amazing result that “…this book may have inspired 3 generations of healing. I’m not sure I can give a better review than that!”

Dr. Coleman offers sound advice to parents pursuing reconciliation, including a reminder that “as parents, we have to continue to be the adult in the room after we are all adults“ and that “parents who can acknowledge their children’s complaints without excessively defending themselves have a better chance of repairing their relationship.”  That said, “knowing when to stop acting like a parent is not always obvious or easy.  Here’s a clue:  if your kid is out of the house and your advice always leads to conflict, it’s time to keep your wisdom to yourself.”

Sometimes though, nothing is going to help the parent-adult child situation.  “Dr. Coleman makes it very clear that parents wanting reconciliation need to come to grips with the fact that it might not happen. And while there is certainly something that they might have done, it is quite possible that there was nothing…” 

But adult children who are now parents themselves can still draw guidance from this book:

• “I’ve mostly dealt with the crap of my childhood and all I know is that I don’t want to make the same mistakes my parents did…I do believe that being aware is half the battle. Being quick to identify problems like this and rectify them is key in breaking the cycle.”
• “The book has armed me with information when it comes to parenting my (future) teen aged children. Not only in what to provide them (rules…so they know they are loved and protected, but not too many rules…otherwise they will feel stifled and controlled), but in what I can do for myself in the process of parenting teenagers (be compassionate with myself and forgiving).”
• “It made me want to be around while she is growing up, available and the adult in the room.  It made me want to hug her instead of yelling at her when she’s just being a kid.”

By and large, we’re all doing the best we can (and hopefully most of our parents tried to do the same).  Compassion for our children - particularly as they grow and make mistakes - and compassion for ourselves - realizing that even though we’re adults, we can’t be perfect all the time either - will take us a long way toward healthy relationships with our children, no matter how much time passes.

Please check out the next set of reviews, along with the final round-up review here at PBN!

Friday, July 20 - Cheese Party
Monday, July 23 - Soul Gardening
Tuesday, July 24 - Chaos Theory
Wednesday, July 25 - Pundit Mom
Monday, July 30 - Round-Up Review on PBN

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This entry was posted on Thursday, July 19th, 2007 at 5:00 am and is filed under Books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.